TEFLing is like parenting because…

- You learn loads of useless information

- Everyday tasks become different and interesting (though sometimes you wish they weren’t)

- You never get it right the first time

- You quickly become “an expert”

- It changes your way of talking to everyone (if you’re not careful)

- The books and songs you choose have little to do with your own tastes

- There are people who can talk about nothing else

- You need to save some things for emergencies

- It could easily take up every waking hour

- The training is minimal or zero

- There’s no limit to the amount of things you really should know, but most people get along fine with no theory at all

- You see bits of the country that you otherwise wouldn’t

Details for the first few here (nappies prevented the rest):

You learn loads of useless information

TEFL- Character names in young learner books, every word of dialogues and gapfill songs that you’ve done too many times, facts about celebrities from General English textbooks, trivia from passives lessons, everything you never wanted to know about mining in Australia/ dam construction from IELTS course, the marketing strategy of Coca Cola UK from Market Leader, etc

Childrearing- Character names on Playtime Disney and CBeebies, every word of storybooks and nursery rhymes that your child likes, baby words in the country you are in

Everyday tasks become different and interesting (though sometimes you wish they weren’t)

TEFL (although actually more living abroad) – Buying a donut and finding it is full of red beans or curry; communicating complex shopping needs with the use of mime; trying to work out what is soy milk (not milk), washing up liquid (not kitchen cleaner), or shampoo (not conditioner) from the shape and colour of the container

Childrearing- Trying to pack enough stuff for a 13 hour flight in a bag you can actually carry, getting a taxi with a child, shopping and pushchair

You never get it right the first time

With lessons, I always find that if I can do the same lesson with another class it goes much better than the first time. By the third time, though, I’m getting sick of it and it all starts to go downhill. In the unlikely event that we can afford to have more kids, I very much expect the same thing with my second and third offspring

You quickly become “an expert”

TEFL- Even in a (generally) well respected chain like International House, most of the teachers have less than two years’ experience. Also, the teachers who really do know what they are doing also know to shut up and just do their jobs. Therefore, the teacher who has been there six months lecturing the person who has only been there for two is the commonest

Childrearing- Having a child who is two weeks older than your friend’s means you are full of good advice for stopping them eating dust when they start crawling etc, never mind if it’s your first child

It changes your way of talking to everyone (if you’re not careful)

TEFL- The majority of people have had the experience of going back home and being asked “Why do you keep saying ‘ATM’ and ‘convenience store’?” or “Why are you talking so slowly and carefully?”

Childrearing – I have to stop myself from saying “I’m going for a poo” or “I’m going walkies” when talking with my wife

The books and songs you choose have little to do with your own tastes

TEFL- Has anyone ever listened to Tom’s Diner for pleasure? I swear the worldwide sales can be entirely explained by teachers doing the Present Continuous

Childrearing – My wife recently learnt an important piece of Western culture: all parents hate Barney the Dinosaur above all things, and kids just love it

There are people who can talk about nothing else

TEFL- Those are the people you avoid above all others, even much more so than the endless whingers, at staff parties

Childrearing – I had my first experience of the person I was showing baby photos to going glassy-eyed the other day. In my own defence, it was my wife’s uncle so I thought his limit would be higher than it was

Both groups of bores are great at taking any conversational topic and turning it around to baby stories or classroom anecdotes, both things I make a conscious effort not to do. “Amusing” things that people say is also a common theme of conversation for both

You need to save some things for emergencies

TEFL – If you have games that work with almost any point, don’t waste them on the First Conditional class

Childrearing- Five Little Ducks has amazing pain-removal properties in my house. Don’t work if you’ve just been singing that song, though, so strictly saved for bumps and bruises from now on. Back to bloody Two Little Dickie Birds for normal boredom-relief then…

Tags: Lists

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