The best bits of TEFL trade
TEFL trade was a much lamented satirical and campaigning blog run by “Sandy MacManus”, who dropped the blog and chose life in Feb 2008. I did my beachcomber tramp bit and stole some of what I thought were the best bits before it disappeared forever:
Mario Rinvoludicrous, R.I.P.
posted Sunday, 30 September 2007
Obituary
Yes, it is with great sadness that I have to report the fact that Mario Rinvoludicrous (a.k.a Catweasle, Worzel gummidge, etc.), the guru of the anti-grammar Teflers, is apparently still alive. He was, and always will be, responsible for the following items of classroom madness and ‘methodology’.
Bring a dozen resonant objects to class. Before you lay them out, ask the students to close their eyes. Strike each and ask the students to describe the qualities of each sound and to guess the substances struck.
Yes, Mario!
Between now and our next class, each time you switch a light on or off, please note your state of mind and what you are thinking about. Come to class ready to report.
Oh, yes, Mario!!
In my own case, I have often come round to seeing the point of teaching ideas I initially violently opposed.
And the reverse, we suspect!!! In fact, Mario was last seen posing as an artefact at The Canterbury Tales Exhibition in, surpisingly, Canterbury. So, has he finally chucked in all his Tefl-posturing and found a proper job? Who knows…?
Anyway, stuff all that - what about this comment below?
Humanistic teachers make extravagant claims that can’t be backed up by empirical evidence.
No, Mario didn’t say that - somebody sensible did!
Marion Rinvolucrative - Rock-on In Peace (man)!
ELG - Where the Lights Are Definitely ON!
posted Friday, 31 August 2007
Dear Mr Kilkenny,
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you – it’s not that we don’t care, it’s just that we had our broad band collapsed for a week and we were connected to the world by a single modem – so we only answered e-mails that were life or death. I will run your letter in the November issue (unless there is a sudden major news story) and give the responses you ask for. However, for your own consumption, I have outlined things below.
In brief, what we have to distinguish is between the working hour and the teaching hour. It is perfectly legal, in most of the EU including the UK, to pay only for teaching hours and require to teachers to do other working hours, this happens in both the state and private sectors. There are two things to remember, however.
a) Since September 2006 it is illegal to include an amount for holiday pay in ANY hourly wage. This applies everywhere in the EU. The amount for holiday pay must be paid separately usually when you go on holiday. In the UK this works out at approximately 8 per cent of whatever you have earned so far this tax year.
b) Teaching hours are not the basis for calculating the working week or ensuring that the total remuneration meets minimum wage legislation ALL working hours must be included for that. Non teaching hours don’t have to be paid separately but they do count towards minimum wage.
What is a working hour? Put simply it is any hour when you are at your employers disposal. It specifically includes any meetings or training sessions. Any socialising you have to do for your employer – like your evening stints. Also any travelling time you have to undertake for your employer – except the normal journey to and from work. Any break of less than 20 minutes – like the break between classes – are also included. A break of twenty minutes or more, when you have time to nip out for a quick coffee and a fag, would be calculated as a rest period, which does not count as working time in the UK, though it does in some other EU countries. Unless you are required to do preparation and marking at your employers premises, this does not necessarily count as a working hour, but does need to be paid at at least minimum wage– I will explain that a little later on.
If a working hour doesn’t have to be paid, why is it important?
First all the working hours you do added together must no exceed 48 on average. Preparation and marking done at home are not included in this. Everywhere in the EU except the UK it is illegal to make anybody work more than 48 hours a week. In the UK, employers can ask employees to sign a waiver; however, it is illegal to put any employee under pressure to do so.
Secondly, all the working hours count towards minimum wage. As does preparation and marking time even if done at home (see below) Take the total amount of money you get for teaching hours, divide it by your total number of working hours plus preparation time and if it is under the hourly rate for minimum wage you employer is breaking the law..
Preparation and marking time. Preparation and marking, which is normally included in the teaching hour payment, should be a contractual obligation, specifically mentioned in your contract. If it isn’t, you are perfectly within your rights not to do it. If it is, the expected amount of time should be specified – but all too often schools do not include this. If there is nothing in the contract, the trick is to look at the norm for the job, which mean looking at the state sector. In most of the EU, the state sector contracts specify 20 minutes for preparation and marking, for every hour taught (yes I know that is not necessarily enough, but that’s the way it is). So unless your contract specifies otherwise use 20 minutes preparation for every hour taught as the standard for calculation. So, every teaching hour is in fact an hour (or 50 minutes plus 10 minutes break which has to be paid anyway) plus 20 minutes preparation time (80 minutes). Method schools such as Berlitz or Callan, may get away with not taking this into account for wages, if they specify in their contract that they do not expect any preparation or marking, every other school will basically have to take it into account.
Let’s look at an example. As of October 1 this year the UK minimum wage is £5.52. Let’s take a teacher doing a 50 minute teaching hour with a ten minute break between classes. They have to be paid minimum wage for the entire hour + a third for the 20 minutes preparation time. The minimum wage they can legally be paid for their teaching hours is thus £7.36. It is thus perfectly legal for a school to pay a teacher say £7.50 a teaching hour as some non-accredited schools do. However they aren’t entitled to anything more from the teacher than to turn up and teach - – £7.50 is 2.5 per cent above minimum wage – which means they can only require a teacher to do another 1 and half minutes work for every hour they teach before they are breaking the minimum wage act!
Finally what to do if you think your employer is breaking the law. Even if you think they are doing this by mistake, and many of them are, join a Union BEFORE you raise the subject with them. If the whole thing turns nasty and you end up losing your job, the Union won’t protect you if you weren’t a member before the dispute broke out.
To be honest, my advice to every teacher working in the private sector, is to join a Union – the UCU is the best one in the UK. This is not because I think most employers are mean, horrid and out to get the teacher – many year round language schools in the UK are barely breaking even. It is just because ever since the British Council accreditation scheme stopped even looking at terms and conditions as part of accreditation, a Union is the only possible protection a teacher has. There are a small number of unscrupulous employers who basically who work on the principal that they know they are breaking the law, but they also know the teachers haven’t got the money to sue them. Sad but true.
I hope this helps.
Please let me know if there is anything you don’t understand. I’ve spent so long studying this now that what seems obvious to me can seem impenetrable to anyone else.
EL Gazette
Public Service Blogging (It’s Better than the BBC)
posted Saturday, 25 June 2005
There I was, a-rootin’ and a-rummagin’ amongst my old teaching stuff (notice I didn’t say ‘EFL stuff’ there – teaching is teaching, after all), when I came across a little piece of useful gear from the last ever summer school I did, back in the 20th century. It’s a sort of ‘report generator’, one which helps teachers to write those irritating little student reports that most EFL schools appear to insist on, even for shorter-then-short Summer courses.
The thing is, you’re still expected to pen a few lines of blistering prose about, for example, Eduardo’s skill in handling abstract grammar notions, or his exemplary pronunciation of awkward consonant clusters - even if he is a snotty-nosed indolent little sprog that has only been in your class for a week. The reasoning behind such reports has never been clear, to my mind, but I do suspect it has something to do with the following.
Firstly, it satisfies the need for dear little Boris, for example, to be able to show his parents (who probably run half of some obscure Russian province in a vice-like grip of mafia-induced fear and brutality) that he wasn’t just intimidating the other darlings in the tuck-shop queue and laundering the family’s cash on ice-pops during his stay in England. It also serves as some sort of ‘pedagogical receipt’ for all the money his folks spent in sending the little terror away for a fortnight, and in effect means that they’re more likely to inflict him on you again the following year.
Anyway, my immediate thoughts were to chuck it, and send it the same way as my Concorde (the fastest swindlers in the business) baseball cap and the undersized Churchill House sweatshirt. But then I thought, ‘hold on, this has some value to my half-dozen or so readers’ – especially the poor suckers who have signed themselves up for six weeks of torture at their local Summer school.
So, here it is, with a few red herrings thrown in, just to keep you from falling asleep. It’s quite easy to use – just select the most appropriate sentence from each section, until you have a simple paragraph like the following example:
Victor has worked hard with a lot of enthusiasm and made good progress. He has also participated well in class activities, gaining much confidence, and is beginning to express himself more fluently. He is now at pre-intermediate level, and with further study should soon reach intermediate level. Well done Victor!
Summer School Student Progress Reports
Teacher’s Comments
Comments on Participation and Progress
1. Andrea has worked hard and with enthusiasm during her stay with us, and has made good progress.
2. Boris has worked well during his time at Rodent Language Holidays, participating enthusiastically in all classroom activities.
3. Catherine has only been with us for a few weeks, but she is now able to communicate effectively in many situations.
4. Daniel is a confident speaker of English, and communicates effectively at Intermediate level.
5. Edith has a good general command of English, and is able to communicate in a wide range of everyday situations.
6. Francoise is a very well-motivated student, and has always been keen to improve her language and participate fully in class.
7. Georgy has participated well in all class activities, and has made good progress.
8. Helga has been a pleasant member of the class, and has participated enthusiastically in all activities.
9. Ines has worked hard with a lot of enthusiasm, and has made good progress.
10. Jojo has enthusiastically participated in class and made the most of her time with us here at Rodent Language Holidays.
11. Katya has been extremely popular with the boys, and has always given the most of herself.
12. The whole class has enjoyed Lena’s oral contributions, especially the extra-curricular ones.
Strengths
1. She is confident at communication, and now has good all-round skills.
2. He is quite a confident speaker, and during the course has been able to build on his knowledge of grammar and vocabulary, and also develop his listening and writing skills.
3. She shows great potential, and her listening skills are extremely good.
4. He has worked hard during his time at Rodent Language Holidays to expand his knowledge of grammar and vocabulary, and also develop his speaking and listening skills.
5. She speaks accurately and uses appropriate vocabulary.
6. His comprehension skills are good, and he is an able listener.
7. She has a sound passive knowledge of the English language.
8. He communicates well and is able to express himself clearly in most situations.
9. He is a confident communicator, always makes himself understood, and is able to follow native-speaker speech fully.
10. She has gained in confidence, and is now beginning to express herself more fluently.
11. Her writing shows she has a good knowledge of English and its appropriate use.
12. He has very good listening skills, and is able to understand a wide range of spoken English.
13. Her speaking is fluent, her pronunciation good, and her vocabulary is wide-ranging.
14. Apart from her bad breath, she has been a pleasure to teach.
Areas to Work on
1. At times she is grammatically inaccurate, and also needs to work on her pronunciation and vocabulary.
2. He now needs further speaking and writing practice.
3. She should now concentrate on deepening her knowledge of vocabulary and grammar, as these are her main weaknesses.
4. He sometimes lacks confidence during listening and/or speaking activities.
5. She now needs more practice to consolidate and extend her knowledge of the language.
6. He now needs to work on his pronunciation and extend his vocabulary.
7. With further studies and practice, he should continue to make good progress.
8. He is an idle tosser, a total waste of space, and should not bother returning next year
Good Wishes
1. I/We wish him/her all the best for the future.
2. I/We wish him/her well.
3. I/We wish him/her luck for the future.
4. I/We would like to wish him/her very well for the future.
5. I/We wish him/her all the best for his/her future studies.
6. I/We sincerely hope that he/she will never return to this school again.
SM, SH, and the IATEFL Battle Plan
posted Monday, 18 June 2007
Well, now that things have settled down a bit, and IATEFL and I have settled our differences, here’s the strategy to take us Teflers forward to a bright new future. Actually, I’m just reposting what I feel were the most important points made by SH in her reply to my previous posting - but please go there yourself to read the full message if you like.
So here’s my suggestion. We all agree that things in UK ELT have deteriorated, and much of what Sandy said in his original reply to IATEFL through me was in the main right. There are many things that could be done in relation to this issue. The main problem, as Sandy himself has identified, is there is no collective industrial action going on over this through some sort of Union structure. This allows not only for the fragmentation, outsourcing and effective privatization of all ELT services, which are easy picking with no resistance, but also means those working in the sector are isolated, afraid, and, yes - rightfully angry - but with nowhere to direct that anger in a way that could make a difference. That is my observation there, and I am not speaking on behalf of IATEFL. Not everyone will share that view. This is a massive problem, and is probably why some people have unrealistic expectations of IATEFL and its role in this. As I pointed out, IATEFL is a charity and to date has not played an active role in the pay and conditions of its members, as the charity law in the UK is quite vague regarding what is considered a political position and therefore acceptable. I will leave you to draw your own conclusions as to why that might be. The BMA, which I would agree puts up a good fight to protect doctors’ rights, is a registered company and trade union, where the rules are much clearer. So, a big part of the working party will be to seriously look into the law in this matter. This might take a bit of time and I realise will not really interest those on this blog who want more direct action. Maybe the blog should be having a discussion at the same time then on how that goal could be achieved between yourselves and all your contacts. As well as looking into the law, I will be collecting info on what is going on, what sparked the debate in the first place, what other similar organizations in ELT in the UK are already doing, and thinking of different ideas for highlighting this issue in IATEFL and how we can get involved in supporting our members’ interests. This is already being done to an extent through our Special Interest Group GISIG - Global Issues Special Interest Group - where all such social and political matters are discussed, but more at the level of ideas. But the commercialization of ELT is a hot topic there at the moment.
The working party has been set up at my instigation, but with support from the rest of the coordinating committee, and I have to feed back in October. That does not mean that what can finally be achieved will go far enough for some people (one of the fears of the committee, I would say) or that my recommendations will be accepted internally, but it might be one way that we can try to address the problem, even, as I said in my original email to Sandy, in terms of coverage. I hope you can appreciate that this is a formal role for me, which restricts me from behaving in precisely the same way I would if I were on this blog just as SH rather than an IATEFL person. I am struggling with this a bit myself, but rather than running for cover and cutting off my critics, I want to face up to the contradiction and try to confront it. But I know that this restricts me. I am more used to operating outside formal structures, but this is the position I find myself in, and I’m willing to give it a go.
So I would like to invite you Teflers to get involved, because the information gathering done on this blog could be really useful in that process. But there are some stipulations. I don’t want to use this blog as the medium of communication, so anyone who wants to take part will have to come into the real world as themselves, and not their characters. They can contact me at my home email: shannam@otenet.gr. Why, I hear your screaming? Why do you want to blow our covers? Basically I don’t really feel comfortable blogging, which I think is the main reason. I do see its potential, as cogently pointed out by Kim, but I don’t want to be part of that. So my chosen medium that I feel comfortable with is email with real world identities. Those identities will remain confidential, however, if you ask me to do so - that I can guarantee 100%. I have already had one person contact me outside the blog, and I think that will prove to be a great contact. So, I am looking for ideas, info and thoughts. Anyone interested??
I hope that we can achieve something and look forward to hearing from you!
SH
So I hope that’s all clear now. To make a simple analogy - I know some you like me spelling things out clearly in short words - SH will be leading our very own ‘Sinn Fein’, and SM will be putting TeflTrade at the disposal of the ‘Provos’. In other words, if you have real intelligence to pass on, send it the way of SH. If you just want to maim a few of the enemy, there’s nail-bombs aplenty right here!
Comment from TEFLsmiler 9 April 2006
Hmm, I’ve been thinking about where I stand on the question of how important it is to mix with other teachers in the first few years, and my current conclusion is that it’s impossible to judge in black and white terms, but rather on an individual basis. I think people can get different things out of it.
In my experience, which involved a mixture - with some contracts I worked alone and with others I was school-based… and I often lived with other teachers, too - I found that most work-related talk between teachers didn’t involve pedagogical issues, anyway, but was related more to gossip about the students and the staff. When it touched on pedagogy, it tended merely to reinforce CELTA, with the sharing of PPP/Test-Teach-Test-style lesson plans, as no-one knew of anything else.
Having lived with teachers since my MA, I’ve also found that by far the majority of them have absolutely no interest in learning anything more than what they learnt on their CELTA course; it seems to me that they’re often afraid of being exposed as being underqualified for what they do - which is quite possibly a thought in the back of most CELTA teachers’ minds. And often they simply don’t care.
I think that my own teaching (before my MA) came on leaps and bounds when I lived alone again and rarely discussed pedagogy with my colleagues, as it meant I wasn’t hearing my CELTA course being spouted back at me as if it was the one true path. Later on, my MA broadened my knowledge and understanding even more, as you would expect, and - crucially, I feel - it gave me the confidence in my convictions, as they were no longer based on mere intuition
Anarchy in ELT (to be sung to the tune of “Anarchy in the UK” by the Sex Pistols”)- 25 October 2006
“Right! Now! Ha ha ha ha ha…..
I am in ELT
What a waste of my degree
Don’t know what I want and
I know I won’t get it
I just wanna gob on this useless job
’Cos I don’t wanna be in ELT!
No more dogsbody!
Eleven quid for an hour of this
Don’t you think they’re taking the piss?
I’m never on time, in the pub all night
The future tense doesn’t make no sense
’Cos I don’t wanna be in ELT!
Such a pity!
How many ways to teach what they want?
So Headway’s the best? You surely must jest!
But my school’s a pile of shite
The DOS is a cow, the boss is so tight
Oh, I don’t wanna be in ELT !
And it ain’t just me!
Is this the FCE?
And is this the right room for me?
And is this worth the lousy pay?
Oh, I’m gonna leave the UK
For just another country
A British Council contract, please!
I don’t wanna be a Tefl type
Oh, what a job!
Get pissed, destroy!”
Extract from More Pedagogical Profanities- originally from English Droid
posted Monday, 12 December 2005
“My teacher puts words on pieces of card and then asks the students to move them around the desks. Why does my teacher do that?”
This comes from a course called the CELTA - a one month course that takes some determination to fail. The theory goes that if you have little pieces of paper to shuffle around you will remember better. It has not been backed up by any serious study - but academic research into the role of paperclips is seriously under-represented.
Extract from How to Write Crap Materials- 4 April 2006
Of course, I do realize that most EFL professionals are aiming squarely for the top of the tree, where they can shout their eloquent mouths off about task-based learning, and integrating non-verbal communication into meaningful classroom activities, and then be sure that everybody’s listening. But we’re not all like that. Some of us are perverse, subversive bastards, and enjoy leaving a classroom knowing that the students have learned absolutely nothing that they didn’t know 90 minutes before – but think they do! Such an accomplishment takes style, years of experience, and a healthy disregard for your boss.
EFL schools try clocking in to stop teachers skipping classes
posted Monday, 9 October 2006
From today’s electronic Guardian…
James Meikle, education correspondent
Monday October 9, 2006
The Guardian
EFL teachers at language schools are being asked to “clock in” to classes in an attempt to ensure attendance and cut drop-out rates from courses.
An electronic monitoring system is being tested at two EFL schools and nine more have expressed an interest in using it to track teachers. Its inventors insist they want to help teachers rather than enforcing a Big Brother approach, but the development coincides with some private language schools introducing good behaviour contracts which warn lazy Teflers they could face disciplinary procedures or even expulsion if they fail to turn up for classes.
The National Union of Tefl Suckers (NUTS) branded the scheme draconian, saying its members were being tagged like criminals. Gemma Goodgrope, president of the Teflers’ union, recognised that teacher drop-out rates needed to be addressed but questioned whether such schemes would work when much of the problem might be increasing debt, low pay, lack of contracts, and a general lack of stability - sometimes mental. “Rather than employing such strong-arm tactics and effectively treating their employees like an underclass, which is what they effectively are, we believe more should be done to address the underlying reasons behind poor attendance - hangovers, overdoses, and a refusal to grant bail.”
However, Tatum O’Greedy, Principal of the South-East London School of English, based in Jersey, stated that there was a real need to look at patterns of attendance. “There is a distinct correlation between attendance and a teacher’s attainment. Teachers who miss out irregularly, we are not going to target. They may have had a bit of a late night the night before. However, teachers will be targeted if they miss three consecutive ‘learning events’. More than 50% of our teachers work part-time, and we are finding a lot of our teachers who work in take-aways on a Thursday night are missing on the Friday morning.”
Source: http://education.guardian.co.uk/higher/news/story/0,,1890939,00.html
The Bluffer’s Guide to TEFL (an anon email that was making the rounds back then)
posted Thursday, 22 September 2005
Despite some appalling pretensions to the contrary, TEFL is dead easy. As Chomsky once said in a fit of pique, “Anyone who can press the button on a photocopier can be a Tefler”. With this guide to Tefl jargon, you too can bluff your way to the top in the business.
Aims
Let’s get this clear from the start. Your aim is to fill up the lesson time. If this aim remains unfulfilled, your sub-aims are merely pissing in the wind. Keep on your guard for waffly arguments concerning the difference between aims and objectives. These, as with most Tefl discussions, lead nowhere. If ever requested to comment on someone’s lesson you have observed, the Tefl bluffer should pipe up “But do you feel you have achieved your aims?” In response, you will receive a pitiful justification for all manner of guff.
Buzz Group
Usually employed in a WORKSHOP when the TRAINER has a degree in sociology from Essex University. A nasty little device employed by a legendary teacher trainer who unfurled a giant roll of paper, announced “You’re going to create the biggest mind map you’ve ever seen” and promptly headed for the bar. Twaddle in extremis and a fine example for all Tefl bluffers.
Communication
Tefl’s most sacred word, and the barometer for all classroom atrocities, I mean activities. The Communicative Approach was designed for those who can’t handle grammar and who never grew out of Blue Peter. To win the hearts of your Tefl buddies, look critically at any course-book activity and intone: “Hmmm, not very communicative is it?” Communicative is such a vague woolly term that it can exploited to advantage on numerous occasions. Even though no one can adequately define it, it is of course “a jolly good thing.”
Counselling
A Jurassic relic from the ’70s when many a TEFL name got stoned and read too much bilge from the Real People Press and the Colorado Psychodrama Workbook. Nowadays, one-on-one counselling, is used by lascivious male teachers to chat up attractive female students. Steer well clear of anyone who enthusiastically endorses counselling. They need professionalhelp.
The Eclectic Approach
Cluelessness elevated to an art form. The bluffer will naturally adopt an eclectic approach to everything.
Elicit
This means ‘get an answer’. Teflers do not like asking, because: 1) ‘ask’ has only one syllable (sorry, is monosyllabic) and therefore sounds insufficiently pseudo-scientific, 2) ‘eliciting’ wastes more time than asking and 3) a bona fide Tefler has no answers as he/she is a FACILITATOR and therefore has nothing of any real value to impart to anyone.
EFL Textbook Authors
A sorry bunch of charlatans if there ever was one. Nevertheless, a budding Tefler should casually drop names within Tefl earshot as much as possible e.g. As I as saying to Peter and Kazza / Lizzy and Johnny / Crispin the other day…”
Error Correction
Current orthodoxy has it that “error correction is much neglected”. This is the line of argument a bluffer should take. In truth, however, it is highly knackering and totally ineffective, so no one bothers with it. Nonetheless, a good time-wasting activity is a bit of ‘creative error correction’ - the technique of inventing errors for on-board
correction. A useful sleight of hand to follow MONITORING.
Feedback
In the good old days, ‘feedback’ was what happened when Jimi Hendrix waved his guitar at an amplifier. In Teflspeak, however, it involves embarrassed students reporting back with mind-numbingly dull information like “We found that 5 people have never climbed Everest, 4 people have eaten octopus and everybody thinks the teacher is a cretin.”
Fillers
Everything in Tefl is a filler. Officially declared ‘fillers’ are simply less successful (i.e. less time-consuming) than other twaddle.
Grammar
Grammar is anathema to Teflers. Do not mention the dreaded ‘G’ word, as this is tantamount to declaring yourself a linguistic fascist. True blue Teflers feel uncomfortable with grammar, as they do not understand it. Similarly, avoid all reference to semantics, as this discipline threatens the entire bedrock of Tefl ‘theory’.
Individualisation
A useful buzz word, easily dropped into Tefl conversations. Instant justification for sloping off to have a fag and a cup of coffee, while the fee-paying customers become autonomous. If you’re really lucky, they might even leave the building.
Learner Training
Everybody knows, but naturally refuses to admit, that this is a complete load of drivel. LT has been flavour of the month for over a decade, which is a highly depressing thought in itself. Nevertheless, it is a cardinal sin for the Tefl bluffer to knock LT in any shape or form, because otherwise you will become embroiled in the sort of tedious argument best avoided. Should the subject of LT raise its ugly head, nod sagely and say something enigmatic like “Learner Training is alright in theory, the problem lies in the methodology.” Do not expand on this. LT comes in handy for scoring Tefl brownie points in a WORKSHOP. Regardless of the subject under discussion, bang your fist down firmly on the table and declare: “Don’t forget the Learner Training!” Your audience will be suitably impressed.
Lesson Plans
Nobody in their right mind writes lesson plans, unless they are being subjected to an OBSERVED LESSON. You can easily justify a lack of lesson plan by arguing that your lessons are flexible and needs-responsive. Hence, they cannot be mapped out in advance. In this context, you can espouse the ECLECTIC APPROACH.
Mingles
Time-wasting par excellence. Not only does the student ask the same dull questions to his neighbour, he has to ask 18 other people as well. Why waste 2 people’s time when you can waste 20?
Monitoring
The art of pretending to listen to foreigners murdering the English language.
Observed Lessons
Teflers often panic needlessly about these. The Tefl bluffer should have a standard observed lesson up his/her sleeve to wheel out whenever observation threatens.
Bluffer’s tip: teach them something they already know, hence making your AIMS a fait accompli. Should your part in this farce be that of an observer, your first comment should (in true post-coital fashion) be “How was it for you?”
The Rods
Never ever attempt anything with Cuisenaire Rods, unless you want to seriously enhance your reputation as a complete prat. Should, however, your opinion be ELICITED concerning the rods, always reply that they are an underused resource. For Tefl one-upmanship possess your own set of rods and whenever someone asks you for a lesson idea, think up any old tosh on the spur of the moment, sit back and have a good laugh.
Self Access
Always bear in mind that self-access is ipso facto a ‘good thing’ because it is associated with INDIVIDUALISATION. The cognoscenti know that the proliferation of SA centres is tacit recognition of the fact that Teflers are dispensable. Teflers know nothing about language because they have degrees in geology.
Session
Often hideously referred to in its reduced form, as in “Brian, do you fancy doing a sesh on the RODS?” You may have previously associated ’session’ with much downing of pints. In Teflspeak, however, it is much akin to a WORKSHOP. It usually involves a twaddler, desperately seeking CV points, spouting at a captive audience who would rather be somewhere else.
Special Interest Groups
This is a complete misnomer, as they should really be entitled ’self-interest groups’. For terminal cases only.
Student-Teacher Interaction
This is a charade associated with LESSON PLANNING and involves drawing pathetic little arrows from T to Ss or vice versa. Naturally, these have no connection with reality and serve a purely decorative function.
Tefl Couple
Those who voluntarily live, eat and sleep Tefl. If you are unlucky enough to encounter such a pair of unfortunates at a social function, make your excuses and leave immediately.
Extract from Recent Blog Unearthings (quote from the Jaded Ex-TEFLer blog)
posted Sunday, 20 March 2005
IELTS
I was just throwing away my IELTS examiner’s stuff. IELTS is a test you have to do if you
want to emigrate to Australia or study in the UK. This is the description of a level 2 speaker:
Lengthy pause before nearly every word. Isolated words may be recognizable, but speech is of virtually no communicative significance…Sounds like Keith Richards!
My turn for a Rant
posted Sunday, 6 March 2005
A good deal of complainants on this forum [Dave’s ESL Café] are right to point out the lack of financial reward in the domestic EFL market, and the scant professional esteem traditionally given to them. However, I do feel that the focus of their anger has been misapplied to some extent.
Firstly, let’s look at the comparative aspect. Teaching in an EFL school is very different from teaching in a state school. Having done both, I would say that state school teaching is far removed from most EFL classrooms. Stress levels are quite certainly lower in TEFL, as students tend to be more motivated, assessment requirements are usually lower (or even non-existent), and, in my experience, aggression and violence are entirely absent. As a result of all the above, salaries in TEFL tend to be lower. In short, it’s an easier job – much easier.
For example, a colleague of mine went back into mainstream secondary school supply teaching after having worked several years teaching English in the Gulf States. On his first Monday back at a London chalkface he found himself subject to verbal abuse from his pupils, and had to separate two brawling teenagers in the playground, receiving several kicks in the shins for his troubles. The following day he saw an advert in the Guardian for EFL teachers in Kazakhstan. He immediately applied, and has been there ever since. Obviously, if you can’t stand the heat, it’s very nice to be able to step outside of the kitchen and warm your toes elsewhere.
What the above really means is that many teachers who are not prepared to endure the tough physical conditions of the public sector, and who do not want to live abroad, are prepared to put up with the demeaning financial incentives offered at EFL schools. However, although that might be fine if you’re young and single (or gay), most married people find themselves obliged to turn their backs on either their country or their profession, as many on this forum have already stated.
Quite simply, EFL teachers earn so little in the UK because there are so many of them, especially in London. In fact, this state of affairs is even promoted by some of the larger language schools, who are now prepared to offer TEFL training to people without degrees. This is due in no small part to the fact that most students currently graduate with debts of around £10,000, and therefore few are in a position to afford to spend another grand doing a TEFL course, and then spend several years working for peanuts in some exotic far-eastern location. Moreover, the fact that EFL schools have started training up older people with plenty of work experience but no formal academic qualifications is undoubtedly causing a creeping de-professionalisation of the job.
What’s important here is the fact that it is possible to become a teacher after just one month of intensive training, which does not enhance the profession’s image one bit. HGV drivers typically put in more hours to get their licence, and they earn more money for their efforts. It’s the same with nurses, who feel more respected after their years of training and preparation. I mean, let’s face it, there is a fundamental difference between a bod with a First Aid certificate and a properly trained nurse; equally so between a TEFLer with his Mickey Mouse cert and a properly trained teacher.
So, what can be done? Well, for starters the British Council needs to insist that ALL EFL teachers working at accredited schools in the UK are Diploma or PGCE qualified and hold valid degrees. A TEFL cert might be OK for abroad, but not for the homeland. And for seconds, TEFL teachers need to get themselves properly organised: getting rid of the travelling TEFL cert brigade will certainly help to establish the profession at home, and make it easier for proper teachers to organise some sort of Union or Association to protect their interests
Extract from Yellow Headway Fever: Protect Yourself from This Deadly Disease!
posted Saturday, 10 November 2007
Yellow Headway Fever is an untreatable, textbook-borne disease which is endemic in language schools that utilise the much over-rated Headway series. In schools in Eastern Europe and Russia an alert caused by outbreaks of Yellow Headway Fever is currently raging. Every year, from November until mid-January, scores of TEFL deaths from Yellow Headway Fever are usually recorded.
Immunization is futile. The only possible solutions involve the teacher making a sustained retreat from the classroom, and finding a proper job - usually in his country of origin. As there is no specific medical treatment for Yellow Headway Fever, once it is contracted, care consists of treating the symptoms of the disease by preventing dehydration, reducing fever - and removing all copies of the dreaded Yellow Headway from the resources room.
Take care. Don’t be a victim.
SOURCE: http://bettereflteacher.blogspot.com/2007/11/yellow-fever-english-teachers-abroad.html
Dehumanising Language Teaching?
posted Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Here I’ve got some more stuff from Mario Rinvolucri’s excellent journal, Humanising Language Teaching. Of course, I’ve had to indulge in a little sly subversion, hopefully in order to make them more palatable for the average, erm, ‘teacher’ who reads this blog; but you should be able to find the originals somewhere here, if you’re that keen!
These Tefl pub-games were first presented at the Alternative Teflers Conference, which was held recently in an upstairs room at a large pub in Portobello Road, London.
GAME 1: “Thunderbags are Go!” [for groups of six to eight people]
Steps: Get the students sitting in a circle and then let them circulate (sit next to the person they have chosen or were chosen by). Make sure every student has a drink in their hand, and that in each circle there is an extra spare chair.
Aim: to practise description of underwear
Steps: One person (A) starts out with one of the following sentences and the chosen person (B) goes and sits next to the person she was chosen by. After this, person (B) continues in the same way as “A” did.
Game: A: I want someone wearing red pants to come and sit next to me. (Someone to whom it applies gets up and moves to the person who has formed the request).
B: I want someone with no bra sitting next to me. (and so on…)
Follow Up: When all the students are seated, get them to prove that they are in fact in possession of the aforementioned undies. See if they can remove the article without spilling a drop of their drink! Then ask the prettiest one back to your place for a bit of ‘intensive vocabulary revision’.
GAME 2: “Gone with the Wind” [best done in small groups of four or five]
Aim: revise verbs, articles, vocabulary, opposites (if pairs cut up and handed out)This malarkey is very useful for testing the vocabulary of any unit in a coursebook. Also, it wastes lots of time, and after a while you can just leave the students to get on with things while you go down the pub. If one of your colleagues has a First Aid certificate, bribe him to hang about and ‘supervise’.
Preparation: write lots of words onto small strips of paper. Then put them all into envelopes and hand them out to different groups in the class.
Steps: Take your students outside the school – next to a major road or motorway is the best location for this activity. Tell the students to open their envelopes, then ask them to throw the strips with the words written on them up into the air. When they land, the students have to put all the words into a correct sentence – or paragraph even!
Follow Up: Buy flowers for those who end up in hospital - but don’t forget to ask for a date, too!
Variations: Get the students to wear blindfolds while they locate the strips of paper. You could even drive your car (presuming you can afford one) at the least desirable members of your class.
Finally – Remember! As in all EFL activities, movement is vital - but action is important.
The PRAT Manifesto
posted Wednesday, 7 November 2007
WHERE there is hope,
Let us bring despair.
And where there is Headway Intermediate,
Let us bring paracetamol.
WHERE there is joy,
Let us bring abject misery.
And where there is a syllabus,
Let us bring dogme.
Or dogshit.
Exam Howlers [updated]
posted Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Well, it was group grading time the other week, and all the English teachers had to have a go at marking the students’ resit papers. As ever, there were the usual reasons for outbursts of uncontrolled laughter - but that’s enough about my tie and braces combo. No, let’s get on to the serious stuff - the mistakes that some of our dear students made in the writing exam.
The first one that caught my eye was this: “inaph”
As in “inaph is inaph”, I suppose. Actually, it’s not a bad attempt at spelling the word ‘enough’ at all, so I didn’t punish the poor girl - on the contrary, I gave her an extra mark for her creativity!
Next along was this sentence: “My brother, he is a cash-potato”
Again - I like it, I like it! Well, he’s probably that rich, that the description fits - he just sits on his butt and makes money all day!
One girl complained that she was no good at “fist typing” - which kinda figures, I suppose. I mean, have you tried hammering your keyboard with your fists and getting the word processor to make sense?! Forget speed - just try brute force and ignorance.
The same girl claimed that if she could invite her friends to a party, she would offer them all “my pest food”. Now, for some strange reason, I don’t think her pals would appreciate a plate full of cockroach chowder - do you?
And finally, one item that really deserved special mention. In this case, I could imagine the poor girl struggling to adequately describe in English that bit of the TV screen where they show the subtitles and the ticker thingy on news programmes. In the end, she referred to it as “the dashboard”! Again extra marks for creativity, plus another one for knowing such an obscure lexical item in the first place. Well done, Hamda - you passed!!
Meanwhile, have a look here and amuse yourself quietly, with a few more howlers such as this…
“My aunt has been unduly disturbed of late, having two small children through the utter carelessness of the local dustman.”
OK, that’s inaph from me right now!